Hi everybody. First of all my name is Marcia and I am a compulsive gambler. Putting this site up has taken some time but if it helps just one person it will have been worth it.
As I look back I begin to wonder why I didn't realize I was a compulsive gambler earlier than I did. It all started about a week before my 21st birthday. I live near a casino so I'd go up and watch the high rollers to see if I could pick up some strategy to help me win. The day I turned 21 I went to the casino twice to play blackjack. After a little while I decided that blackjack wasn't interesting enough.
It was then that I saw Let It Ride and decided that I would give that a try. For any of you who don't know how Let It Ride works, it is almost like poker. After you put out three bets you receive three cards and the dealers two cards complete your hand. If you have a pair of tens or better you have a no brainer and just tuck your cards. However if you don't like your hand you can have the dealer push one bet back before they flip over their first card. If you still don't like your hand you can have the dealer pull back a second bet before they flip over their second card. I found this out and thought it looked like a fun game and it would be easy to win. The fact that I had a lucky night the first time I played didn't help matters any. I ended up getting a couple flushes and a straight and getting small hands in between so it seemed like I couldn't lose.
At first it wasn't too bad or so I told myself. I would go a few times a week and only spend about $50. As I started to play more and more I started going almost everyday. My parents tried to tell me that I had a problem but I was just like I'll show them. I stayed away from the casino for a couple weeks and let that fool me into thinking that I didn't have a problem. However after that couple of weeks it just got worse. I worked right across the parking lot from a casino so I'd go over and play on my breaks and head straight there after I got off of work most nights. When I went on my breaks I was almost invariably late back to work and I think that the only reason I wasn't fired before I was is because my manager told me she was also a compulsive gambler so she knew what was going through my mind.
It got to the point where the day I got my paycheck, I'd go cash it and spend the whole thing at the casino either that night or if I was lucky I would make it last a couple of days. I would use my credit card to get cash advances to cover my tracks so that my parents wouldn't find out. When my credit card got maxed out, I'd go to a check cashing place and get a payday loan. While I was doing all of this, I kept telling myself that I had to win eventually to be able to pay everything off.
It was July of 2000 when I finally realized that I had a problem. I had just spent my entire paycheck at the casino again and this time there was no way I could hide it from my parents. That night I told them that I hadn't received my check and put some stuff in a backpack the next day I went to work. I figured maybe if I stayed away for a few days, they'd be so happy to see me that they wouldn't be as mad when I told them what had really happened to my paycheck. I had planned on spending the nights in one of the waiting rooms of a local hospital. That night my Mom found me and she was like are you ready to come home. I was like no. She gave me a big hug and told me that they weren't mad because they knew that I was sick and needed help.
That was a Friday night and the next Monday I attended my first GA meeting. I had called the place it was held at and they told me the meeting started at 6:00. When I got there I found out I was an hour early but the janitor let me in. She asked me if I wanted a cup of tea but I was so nervous I decided to say no thanks because I didn't want anything in my stomach. That Thursday I went to my second meeting and everybody there was great. None of the people at the Thursday night meeting had been there Monday night so they didn't know me. Despite that fact, after knowing me only an hour and a half they asked if I would like to go get something to eat with them. I have become good friends with all of them and one in particular. When my sponsor decided that she couldn't do it anymore, I asked him if he would do it. He said that he was going to be moving soon but he'd be glad to do it until he did. We still keep in contact by email and he has been great even though he isn't in town anymore. In fact I had him check out this site first and give me ideas on how to make it the best it possibly could be. You know who you are and I just want to give you a public thank you. :)
I won't say that things have been perfect since I started going to GA. I have had some one or two day relapses but considering the fact that I used to go everyday, I'm doing a lot better. The last relapse was in July so I've been doing pretty good. I've had some close calls but the person I mentioned before helped get me through those close calls.
I have just one word of caution for those of you reading this. I used to read in the literature about not hanging out with other gamblers but I didn't listen and learned the hard way. I had been going to GA for about seven months when a new member joined. He was about my age and we got to know each other and started dating. I thought it would be a good idea because since we were both compulsive gamblers we be able to help each other not go to the casinos. It was more like we gave each other excuses to go. I remember one time I found him in a casino and he gave me some money and told me not to let him spend it no matter what. Did I do that, though? No, as soon as he asked for it back, I gave it right back to him and was even playing hands with his money so that he would have more chances to win without having to double the bet. This went on until about 4:00 the next morning. This is just one example of the times we went gambling together. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it was his fault that I went back out gambling. I was as much an influence on him as he was on me. It was really hard to break up with him because I really did care about him but I knew that being apart would be the best thing for the both of us. Have fun exploring the site and please sign my guestbook before you leave. Let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions to make the site even better let me know. |
